Title>Still Waters Run Deep: February 2006

Monday, February 27, 2006

I’ve been thinking about children today for some reason. I think it began when I read about Britney Spears carrying her new baby on her lap while she was driving; that woman really is still just a kid herself. I bet tones of women in the past did that and were not scrutinized the way she was for a simple mistake. If the media had just left her alone in the first place, it would not have been an issue. Anyway, it looks like she’s pregnant again too which is hilarious considering she’s supposed to have split from that husband of hers. At least she’ll be able to afford a good nanny (and a good lawyer).

I remember the first time I saw Britney Spears, her look and her music were so fresh and she was an instant star……Not like Paris HILTON I think I’ve seen more Paris porn than any other celebrity porn that’s out there – not that I look for it but it’s definitely out there and when you spend as much time as I do online you do find it from time to time. I’m not offended by porn, it can even be fun! It’s each person’s choice if they want to star in a porn movie or be photographed in sexual poses and I have no problem with that, I don’t have to look at it if I don’t want to.

Bob used to like to photograph me and that was fun but I didn’t like to look at the photo’s afterwards so he just kept them to himself. I know that he used to look at porn as all guys do but again, I never felt jealous because I know that he loved me and I’m also confident enough with my own body that I didn’t feel threatened. He used to say I had the body of a porn star, which I think was a compliment :-).

Anyway, I was thinking about the fact that I’ll never have children and I realize that I’m ok with this, although I haven’t really thought about it for years. I always thought I would have children but since I’ve become estranged from my own family it seems to be less of an issue. Bob never wanted to have children either in case we wanted to relocate; he said it wasn’t fair to keep moving them around, which I totally agree with. It’s funny though, now that I’m in my 40’s it’s becoming more definite that I won’t have children and it’s almost a relief that I won’t have that decision to make soon because I won’t have a choice.

I have my animals…

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Happy Valentines Day!!

Happy Valentine’s Day FANS!!
I’m sure it’s the coldest day of the year today so far, which is ironic as its Valentines Day; at least when it rains it’s pretty warm but today it’s just plain freezing. Coco actually decided not to go exploring today. That is very unlike him. The fire is very cozy though.

Since I’ve been on my own, Valentine’s Day is kinda like Christmas, just another day. I do enjoy seeing other people happy and in love though and I have such nice memories of Valentine’s days gone by. My boyfriend always bought me a dozen red roses, even when he was inside, he somehow managed to have flowers sent, he never forgot. I miss him so much some times….other times I am just angry at him for abandoning me and the life we planned to create together.

It’s funny, browsing on the internet today how love, passion and sex are so important to us as human beings. An article today said that the responses in our brains when it comes to love are the same as those experienced when we think about money or chocolate – sounds much safer to me. What did surprise me though was that everyone who considered themselves to be in love also said that they would gladly die for their loved one if it came down to a choice between them. We are so self-sacrificing when it comes to being in love and yet relationships can be so difficult and damaging.

I must admit that I would have sacrificed anything for Bob; I really would have done anything for him, and did. He was always very clear about what he wanted from a relationship and a woman; he said I was his idea of perfection, partly because I have a nice body and I dress in ways that always pleased him. He loved it when I showed off my body and acted sexy! I was always happy to oblige :-).

He was the perfect man to me. He never betrayed me, and was always so kind and generous. I always made sure that he knew that everything I had was his too, because he didn’t have much of his own, but yet he was so giving in so many ways. He would make donations to charities or help out the homeless people, he always remembered his family’s birthdays and would send a card and he always wrote back to me straight away when he was unable to be with me, and always said thank you for the money I sent. He also always remembered everyone’s birthdays etc., despite the judgments his family made of him.

I don’t think there are many people out there like him, he made mistakes and yet he never allowed himself to act bitter or regretful, he always stayed optimistic and happy too. He learned from his mistakes and forgave himself for his wrongs. He said it was because he felt that I was his safe haven, his refuge from the outside world. I only wish he could have trusted me more. He always said that, no matter where he was, what he was doing, or who he was with, he was always thinking about coming home to me. He really was one in a million and I will never really get over him, and probably never find anyone like him again either. I hate VALENTINES day!

Anyway, enough wallowing! I should get out for a run while it’s still light; it gets dark so early at this time of year.

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Well it has rained constantly now for the past two weeks and I’m getting pretty tired of it. I am starting to get sogged out! I can’t remember the last time we had a sunny day although I do enjoy running in the rain sometimes, just not all the time. Coco is starting to show signs of a cold from always being wet. I hope he pulls through. I hate having to go to the vet in town.
The house has felt pretty dark and empty for the last little while. I seem to be feeling a little melancholy these days and I wonder if this blog is making me TOO reflective. I’ve purposely stayed away from analyzing my life because it’s just so complicated although on the surface I guess it looks simple to others. I’m generally a happy person and I have wonderful memories, providing I don’t let anger get in the way. I must admit to feeling cheated out of the time that I should have had with Bob, but I guess ultimately it was his decision to leave. Suicide is not the answer trust me. Maybe I am no mixed up about it because the whole thing was kinda unexpected in the first place, I never thought I would fall for a guy like that but I could see beyond what other people saw, to the kind of person that he really was underneath.

Bob made a few mistakes, but he did his time, reluctantly of course (I don’t think anyone really wants to be in jail), but he came out a changed person.

I still blame the authorities (particularly the police) for his death, if they had just left him alone and let us get on with out lives in peace… I can’t help wondering if he would still be alive today and my life might be very different now. But there’s no sense in having regrets, I have my health, a nice home, my animals and I am financially secure. I have it pretty good really.

I was looking at a site today (I think it’s a blog) called the smoking gun which I have put a link to on my blog. It’s such a funny site and always makes me laugh. Some people get themselves into such crazy situations and while it’s not nice to laugh at other people’s misfortune, it can make me feel a little better about my life. The story on the smoking gun which most made me laugh today was the one about two cheerleaders getting it on in a public washroom; the women that were waiting to use the stalls were really angry but you know, if I had been there, I would have gone outside and sold tickets to all the guys to come in and watch. May as well make some money from it :-)